please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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