4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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