Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
