So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
