I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You are the jesus of drinking
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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