this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
