question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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