watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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