I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
