im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
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