I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
