Do you still have your period?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?