My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.