Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom