so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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