So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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