She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
When did angry sex become our thing?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
