you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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