You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
