How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
