I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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