sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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