I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
