that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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