why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
