He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
