How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
