I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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