I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
