I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
