I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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