Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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