nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
