At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
