I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He told me they were just razor bumps!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
