We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
