I got chris browned last night
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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