just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
