There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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