I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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