I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I need to calm my uterus...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
