Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Randomize
