thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
