Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
