you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
