Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
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You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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