Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
