Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
