update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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