Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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