i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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