My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
