She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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