I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
