What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
